Heaven and Hell Review

Title: Heaven and Hell                                                                      Author: Phoenix Angel Suyari

Original Source: X-Men Evolution                                              Character(s): Warren W. & Rogue (Marie)

Rating:  M                                                                                                Genre(s): Drama/Romance

Chapter(s): 1                                                                                           Status: Complete?

Author’s Synopsis: Warren/Rogue round two!

fanfiction.net/s/734369/1/Heave-and-Hell

Oh my God, I thought with my streak of bad fiction being broken I would begin a streak of awesome fiction.  Nope.  By the way,  I am the Fan Fic Reviewer; reviewing the good, the bad, and those that should never exist in fan fiction.  For the better part of last week I was stuck in a rut of bad fan fiction that ultimately ended with yesterday’s review, but apparently it was not to stay.  Instead, I found this story in my archives and decided, “oh hey, why don’t I read this story since it has Rogue in it and she’s my favorite X-Men!”  I’m so stupid at times and now I’m paying for it.

This is the sort of sequel to A Heavenly Experience, which I have neither read nor will I; not after reading this BS of a story. I don’t even know if this is a story; there’s a beginning, middle, and an end but so do songs. *Groans.* This *points at the story* thing frustrates me!

*Takes a breath.* I guess I’ll just start with what it’s “about,” since the synopsis is not exactly helpful.

The “plot” of the story is Warren and Rogue have a misunderstanding and Rogue runs out on Warren. Now, Warren is stuck wallowing in his misery without his beloved. Yeah…that’s about it. There’s something in there about the problem with Rogue’s powers and it preventing intimacy, but that shows up later when the primary problem (Rogue leaving Warren) has yet to resolve itself. *Shrugs.* I can’t even provide a clear synopsis of this story because it lacks an EFFING PLOT!

I apologize for my outburst. It seems that my latest string of bad fan fiction has given me less patience for stories such as this one. Everything seems to be coming to a boil and this story will receive the brunt of my frustrations.

*Cracks knuckles.* Let the beating commence.

I’ll get this one out of the way; the grammar. For the love of all organic life forms, pick a tense. Past, future, present, I don’t care but pick one and stick with it. Stop flip-flopping because one moment the POV is from an omniscient being and the next is from the 3rd person stalking Warren and providing commentary. I know that these are not the technical terms for the 2 types of 3rd person POV, but this is what it felt like I was reading. Either I was receiving commentary from Warren’s stalker or getting Warren’s experience on the events.

Here’s a sample of the POV changes:

“To any casual observer, the sight before them would be a miracle. A beautiful angel with large white wings and soft golden hair. His stance was mournful as he stared out at the ragging storm. The occasional lightening bolt illuminating the sky, as well as the angel and his surroundings, would bring any God fearing man to his knees. It truly was a breathtaking sight, and also a sad one. The angel was grieving and no angel should be sad. They have no reason to be, or do they?”

That’s the first paragraph too! Then during the flashback sequence the POV changes.

“Warren sat on his bed frozen in shock. What had just happened? It took him a couple of minutes to process everything. As he realized what she meant by “It’s over” his heart stopped. He couldn’t believe it. No he’d probably heard her wrong. She couldn’t have meant they were over. No, he’d probably heard her wrong. Not after all this time. Tears threatened and he felt as if he couldn’t breathe. Slowly he got up and walked over to the magazine she’d thrown. He picked it up dreading what he might find. He flipped through it with blind eyes, then closed it forlornly.”

Here is a sample of the tense changes:

“An informed observer would tell you yes, for an informed observer would tell you the glorious angel framed in nature’s precious light was none other than Warren Worthington III. Just your average young man. No angel. Not in the traditional sense. He is no champion of God, nor man. He was not sent from Heaven, unless you count being born. He is not here to judge. No, far from it. He is here to be safe from judgment, and those who would hate him. He is here because he is a mutant. But that’s not why he’s upset. No, that is the furthest thing from his mind.”

Yup…that’s this story.

Readers, if you couldn’t tell by the samples that there are other grammar issues as well. Basic mistakes too, like misusing “there,” “their,” and “they’re,” and incorrectly using “nor.” There are a lot of fragment sentences as well. It’s a disaster.

Beyond the basics, the story itself is flawed with the exclusion of resolution. The conflict is built up (misunderstanding between Warren and Rogue leading to a broken relationship) but it’s never resolved. In fact, the characters do not reference the misunderstanding. Warren doesn’t try to explain the situation and Rogue ignores it. Instead, it comes down to Rogue returning to Warren and them having (implied) make-up sex.

Oh my God, the sex! It’s not graphic, because it’s implied and I’m not 100% certain it even happens. The story says how they can never have sex (“Her body conforms to his in a perfect display of unity they will never know.”), yet a few paragraphs later the story implies they have sex (“Neither can recall how they made it to the bed. Though both can accurately describe the ecstasy to this day.”). So did they, or didn’t they? No one will ever know.

Back to the conflict, the misunderstanding between Warren and Rogue is never resolved (even though half of the story is built around it!). The other “conflict,” Rogue’s powers preventing intimacy, is overcome by…Warren’s tongue? I don’t understand it and the story tries to…“explain” it in the final paragraph, but it doesn’t make a lick of sense.

Here’s the final paragraph:

“Neither can recall how they made it to the bed. Though both can accurately describe the ecstasy to this day. And how something so beautiful came from something so simple. For as everyone knows, the tongue is immune. The curse belongs only to the flesh.”

What the hell does that even mean? Are certain parts of the body able to deflect Rogue’s powers? I know that by definition of her powers, it’s skin-to-skin contact but I don’t think the tongue suddenly gets around that power. I doubt that actually works. Plus, it would still limit how much they can do in terms of intimacy. The tongue opens up some doors but others are still left closed and Warren would have to get creative to use his tongue and avoid touching Rogue with any other part of his body that has skin. I call BS on this “resolution.”

There’s another part to this story that I take issue with; it’s Warrens reason (excuse) behind the events that lead to the misunderstanding. Just so this makes sense, the misunderstanding is that Rogue sees a tabloid/paper feature a news article about Warren marrying another chick and showing a photo of Warren kissing the chick. His reason for kissing the chick is “she’d asked him to. She’d never been kissed before and who better to ask than your best friend.” Oh yeah. Here’s a better person to ask, the best friend who is single.

I know some Readers will disagree with me, but to me Warren’s reasoning behind his actions is weak. Knowing how his parents operate, why would Warren risk kissing the heiress to another billionaire mogul anywhere where the paparazzi can snap a photo? I don’t know how Warren’s parents fill about Rogue since it’s never mentioned, but I’ll assume they disapprove of her and will use whatever tactics to separate her from their son. So, again, why would Warren do something so stupid? “Because he’s her friend?” Would Warren also take the other woman’s virginity too, because they’re friends?

I’m sorry but this really makes me want a resolution between Warren and Rogue about this misunderstanding. Have Rogue and Warren talk about it and figure out if Warren actually kissed the other woman because he’s intimacy-starved due to Rogue’s powers, or some other reason. Then have them work it out. Sure it could lead to them splitting up again, but at least the conflict would be resolved and it would open up the door for the 2nd conflict (Rogue’s powers and intimacy).

Okay, I’ve ranted long enough about the story’s flaws (numerous flaws), let me touch on the good points of the story.

The conflict set up. Everything in the flashback for the conflict setup is fine. It’s a great set up (ignoring grammar errors, of course) and provides a situation that challenges the love between couples. That’s about it though. There are no other redeeming qualities.

I do not recommend this waste of digital space. Readers, do not put yourselves through the pain of reading this story. It’s is not worthy of attention. While true that this is not the worst story I have ever read, it is not a good story either. It’s a bad story. Spare yourselves and find a better fan fic to pass the time.

This is Idunwanaprofile; reviewing the good, the bad, and those that should never exist in fan fiction. I wish all my Readers, happy reading, and pray to find some decent fan fics to read.

Stars: 2.5/10

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Thinking Etcetera Review

Title: Thinking Etcetera                                                                  Author: writewhatyouwantto

Original Source: The King and I                                                    Character(s): King of Siam

Rating:  K                                                                                             Genre(s): Romance / Tragedy

Chapter(s): 1                                                                                      Status: Complete

Author’s Synopsis: Such puzzling things that he could not comprehend – monogamy. And however, that look. As if it were magic, or at least it was to her. He had heard stories of love, etcetera. Monogamy. Such a silly foreign tradition. Etcetera. Then again, listening to her talk was entrancing in itself…The King’s point of view, his thoughts on Anna and their dance, no direct interaction.

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9941729/1/Thinking-Etcetera

Welcome Readers, I am your reviewing host, Fan Fic Reviewer. I review the good, the bad, and those that should never exist in fan fiction. Anyone who has been reading my posts for the past week know that I’ve been on a trend of finding some pretty bad (in my opinion) fan fics.  I needed a good (at least decent) story to bring me back to some sanity.  Thankfully I found one.  Today I decided to go a bit old school and find fan fiction about a lovely musical I love, The King and I. I adore this musical and the chemistry between Anna and the King of Siam, but what I love the most is the unrequited love story. It’s there yet it’s a romance that can never be which is what makes it so endearingly tragic (suck on it Romeo & Juliet).

What I found is this fan fic that is the King’s ramblings from the point in the movie that I affectionately call “Culture Clash Night.” It’s the same night as the dance scene. The ramblings do not start exactly when the King and Anna share a dance, but before it. The King rambles about his and Anna’s differences in views on monogamy and polygamy. To the King the concept of monogamy is completely foreign as he cannot understand how a man cannot love more than one woman or think he’s satisfied with one woman.

What I love about this part of the ramblings is the allusion made between women and food.

“Many women could of course satisfy a man’s appetite, but he had never considered that one woman could offer him the entire banquet without even trying that hard.”

It’s so poetic and well thought out. I just love the comparison between women and food because it’s relatable. How many different dishes does a person sample when sitting down to eat? One or several? How many dishes until the person is full? Same thing with women (in the King’s mind), how many women does a man require in order to be satiated? It strikes a profound chord in its simplicity.

The ramblings move to the lead up to the dance while Anna describes how a woman can end up in the arms of a stranger for an entire night in dancing. It’s great because it’s one of those moments when it suddenly strikes the King that Anna has known that feeling in the past and there’s this sense of jealousy in not knowing (and not wanting to ask) how many men Anna has danced before Siam. Of course, the King recognizes that there must have been at least one man as the proof (Anna’s son) exists. To me it’s a great little moment because even though people can understand things happen, we don’t think it happens to someone we love (unrequited or not) until it’s brought home. In this case, even though the King knows of the tradition of dancing, he had never thought to associate it with Anna dancing with other men.

It’s in the subtleties that I love.

The rambling goes into the actual dance where the King realizes that the dance feels off due to the proverbial wall that exists between Anna and him; so for the dance he decides to strip away the wall and bring them closer—physically and emotionally. The ramblings are well done and quite beautiful as the King realizes that he would have enjoyed spending the rest of the night dancing with one woman. In those moments of time he was not seen as the King of Siam and Anna as a foreign teacher, but as a man and a woman. As I said, it’s quite beautiful.

Sadly, it the beauty in the dancing and in the King’s relationship with Anna crashes and they revert to who they were before those moments; him, a heartless barbarian, and her, a teacher. It all ends with the King reflecting on the ring he gave to Anna and that has been returned to him. It’s a somber and almost sad reflection.

“And seeing his Prime Minister returning that ring, the one he had given to her, was not right. It was less right than them dancing far apart. It was not a ring of promise, not of enticement or of sworn chastity. Yet he considered it a ring of hope. Hope that maybe she would not remove it as it reminded her of him, and the kinder aspects of his character.”

Overall, the rambling is cute and sweet. It touches on a lot of topics but that’s to be expected in a rambling—just like the shaky transitions. However, overall, it’s a sweet story with a bitter ending. As a King x Anna fan, I do deep down root for a happy ending, but I realize that cannot be with the original story. So, I didn’t expect there to be an ending where the King says how he could monogamous for Anna (it’s be way too OOC). However, I am satisfied with the fact that the King gets lost in his dance with Anna and finds that he would be content to just remain there with her until dawn. It’s enough.

Do I recommend the story? I don’t see why not. Granted I will say that Readers should know the original source before reading or the ramblings may not be quite as impactful. I will also warn people to not expect a romantic ending but a realistic ending.

Stars: 7/10

Back to December Review

Title: Back to December                                                                                Author: Fading Ashes

Original Source: Harry Potter                                                                   Character(s): Draco M. & Hermione G.

Rating:  T                                                                                                             Genre(s): Hurt / Comfort / Romance

Chapter(s): 1                                                                                                       Status: Complete

Author’s Synopsis: So this is me, standing in front you, saying I’m sorry for that night. And I go back to December all the time. Sequel to Last Christmas. HGDM

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10253194/1/Back-To-December

*Groans.*

Hey Readers, this is Fan Fic Reviewer; reviewing the good, the bad, and those that should never exist in fan fiction. As I said yesterday, today I am reviewing the sequel to Last Christmas and…*takes a breath* I still regret not reading the synopsis to either story. Granted, I had never heard the song “Back to December” so I wouldn’t have realized that the synopsis is the lyrics to the song. Now I know! And knowing is half the battle.

Thankfully, Back to December is short so I don’t have to endure a lot of the nonsense from Last Christmas. *Re-reads fan fic.* I retract that statement. It’s short but there’s just as much nonsense in this story.

I’ll tackle the first issue with this fan fic. It’s a “sequel” but actually, it’s more like the end to Last Christmas that was cut off and given its own story because it features a different song. There is no actual story here. It’s the falling action portion from Last Christmas but it’s given its own song and labeled “sequel.” Sure Back to December follows up on Last Christmas in terms of maintaining the lyric theme, the continuation of Draco and Hermione romance, and…*thinks* that’s about it. Back to December is not its own story though.

For all of my complaints about Last December at least there was a story there, sure it wasn’t executed as well as it could have been; but it was there. Back to December is—supposedly—about Draco getting Hermione back. Well—SPOILER ALERT—it doesn’t take much to get Hermione back. Apparently, serenading her while playing guitar will win her back. *Re-reads sentence.* Um…guitar? *References story.* God damn it!

Alright, what is a guitar doing in this fan fic? I get that it’s cute, sweet, and sexy to have a guy croon to a girl while playing the guitar, but this is the world of wizards! Wizards! Magic! Ring any bells? Come on, the movies and books heavily imply (if not downright say) that the wizarding world thinks very low (with disdain and disgust) of the muggle world. The only character who cares about the muggle world is Mr. Weasley. So, why would Draco play the guitar instead of using an enchanted instrument to play for him? Why would he know a muggle song? Gah!

The best way to avoid all of this nonsense is to make the stories AU (alternate universe or author’s universe). Seriously, just make it AU, have them be normal high schoolers going through the typical high school romance drama. No need to have the magic and spells; it’s not as though the magic is a prominent feature of the stories and it doesn’t add much. Sure, it keeps Hermione’s make-up from running but that’s about it.

Just have the stories be AU so I don’t have to try and explain why Draco knows how to play guitar, why he knows the song “Back to December,” or why he doesn’t just enchant the guitar to play for him. It makes things so simple!

Moving on!

The driving plot of the “story” is Draco trying to win Hermione back, but there is no conflict. Yeah. The story kind of carries out like this: Draco has to get back with Hermione, Draco decides to use music to woo her, Draco sings to Hermione, and all is forgiven. Kisses all around. Really story? Did you even try?

The idea that Draco has to win Hermione back is great; the proverbial ball is in his court. I’m all for cute and cavity inducing sweet scenes, but I like to see effort put into these type of situations too. Draco could have tried several different ways to try and woo Hermione back, each time it’s a failure, and he learns a little more about how he can earn Hermione’s love again.

Yup, I used the word “earn” because after the BS Draco put Hermione through in the first story he should have to prove himself. I mean he was disgusted with her during the entire time that they were dating, he hasn’t said “I love you” or “I’m sorry” (“I’m sorry” showing up in the lyrics does not mean he actually apologized), and he hasn’t made any effort to make amends with Hermione before. So, to have Draco pull this serenade stunt and Hermione to just take him back is complete BS. I guess Hermione wasn’t as hurt about the betrayal as she led on.

*Groans.* I’m giving these two stories a lot of grief and it’s because of the execution. The stories have potential—even with the teen romance-drama—and that’s what gets me. There’s so much potential but instead of building on that potential the story puts out the bare minimal to reach that happy ending as soon as possible. The writing style is fine, the drama is there, the emotion in the characters is there, but the romance falls through. Sure, I could say that it’s because they’re teenagers who know nothing of love, but that would be BS. No, the romance falls through because of the lack of time and effort put in to build it up.

Is there a niche for these types of stories? Yes. Are there Readers who will enjoy this story and it’s prequel despite its flaws? Yes. I’m just not among the lot. So would I recommend the story? I only recommend it if it sounds interesting to you. Otherwise, if nothing stands out to Readers then don’t bother.

Alright, fingers crossed that I find a good story to review for tomorrow. *Crosses fingers.* I need a decent story to read. This is Idunwanaprofile; reviewing the good, the bad, and those that should not exist in fan fiction, and praying for relief from sub-par stories. Happy reading!

Stars: 4/10

Last Christmas Review

Title: Last Christmas                                                                            Author: Fading Ashes

Original Source: Harry Potter                                                       Character(s): Hermione G. & Draco M.

Rating:  T                                                                                                     Genre(s): Romance / Hurt / Comfort

Chapter(s): 1                                                                                             Status: Complete

Author’s Synopsis: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.  But the very next day you gave it away. HGDM Sequel coming up!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10244261/1/Last-Christmas

Eff me!

Hi everyone, this is a very remorseful Fan Fic Reviewer reviewing the good, the bad, and those that should never exist in fan fiction.  I decided that since musical-based fan fics weren’t bringing me gems, I would try Harry Potter.  I regret that I didn’t actually read the synopsis before reading the story.  I just saw HGDM and I was sold.  *Groans.* Let this be a lesson to me and a warning to Readers, always read the synopsis for fan fiction.  Reader beware!

This is a part 1 of 2 review because there is a sequel story that I shall be posting tomorrow.  I feel the regret coming on again.

Onto the story.  This is a story where Hermione and Draco are dating until Hermione overhears that the only reason Draco is dating her is because he has a bet going on with Nott.  You know, normal teenage plot devices found in most teenage, romance-comedies.  So, Hermione breaks up with Draco and a year (or more) passes with them being single.  Christmas comes around and Hermione ends up singing a song that best describes how Draco has hurt her.

*Massages temples.* Where do I start with this story?

*Pulls out the soapbox.* I’ll need this for later.

All right, I’ll admit that the idea is not bad but the execution is just not up to par.  The writing is decent but the storytelling is lackluster.  The romance is…so teenage that it hurts.  I mean there is not enough cheese anywhere else but in a teenage movie to compete with this story.  Granted the characters are teenager, but it doesn’t make more bearable.

I guess that’s as good of a place to start as any; the romance.  The beginning is fine. Hermione and Draco are dating, Hermione is obviously still in the honeymoon phase of the relationship, and it’s simple until the melodrama starts.  Where it starts becoming…problematic is after the time skips and suddenly Draco has realized that he loves Hermione.  Why or how?  Plot calls for it.  There is very little build up to the romance and the story just tells the Reader that Draco now loves Hermione.  *Sighes.* See Readers, there should be some build up and not just exposition saying how a character’s feelings have changed during the time that Readers are not able to read.

Plus, I have to say that without any sort of reasoning behind it besides “you know how sometimes you feel an attraction to someone but you don’t know the reason.”  Seriously, this is Draco after all, a young man born to think too highly of himself and to think cruelly of mudbloods such as Hermione; yet for unexplainable reasons he has fallen in love with Hermione and is not disgusted with himself for his feelings.  I don’t buy it.  I’ll believe the whole attraction without knowing the reason, but I don’t believe that he wouldn’t be disgruntled and disgusted with himself for his attraction.  There should be a transition point where Draco either: A. Realizes why he loves Hermione or B. He comes to terms with his attraction and realizes that it’s not wrong.  Just something!

Moving on!

Besides the mess of a romance, there is the Christmas Ball that is an excuse to force Hermione and Draco to interact (dance) and to cause more drama by having Daphne snog Draco in front of Hermione and the school.  I will say having the ball happen is fine because it is a school event that is likely to happen, but to include traditions that force Hermione to be in the spotlight with Draco is a bit too much.  I realize that the plot “needed” the two characters to dance and have a moment, but the interaction is not utilized.

Use it or lose it.  Story, use the opportunity to develop something between Draco and Hermione, or just ditch the scene altogether.  There are plenty of other ways to force the characters to interact and ultimately provide some sort of progression in the broken relationship.

Instead of progression there is misunderstandings and Hermione singing the song “Last Christmas” to convey how Draco has hurt her.

*Sets up the soapbox and stands on it.*

All right, I made this mistake when I was young, foolish, and thought it was cool, but that doesn’t mean it should be done. DON’T INCLUDE THE FULL LYRICS OF A SONG IN A STORY!  I do not care if there is a character singing, leave the lyrics out!

Lyrics are acceptable in small doses either at the beginning, the end, or interwoven into the story (not between every other paragraph either).  If there are lyrics in the story it should be limited to a line or two; the line that inspired the events of the story or that wrap up the story.  If lyrics are being interwoven into the story then a line here or there is fine, it makes the story almost feel like a written music video.  I do recommend skipping over the chorus though; no need to be redundant.

When there is a character singing, such as Hermione in this case, instead of including the lyrics—even if they are meant to express her inner emotions—show Readers how the song is impacting the singer and the listener.  Describe the song!  Is it soulful, lamenting, cheerful, energetic, or somber?  How is the singer feeling while delivering the song?  How are the lyrics impacting the listener (Draco)?  Does the lyrics make the listener feel regret, happy, whimsical, sadden, or defiant?  These things can paint a picture of the exchange far better than including the lyrics and inserting actions or blurbs on eye contact between verses.

If a lyric is necessary then include a line or two that has the most amount of impact on the listener (or singer).  Is there a particular line in the song “Last Christmas” that makes Draco’s blood pulse?  Perhaps a line that implies Hermione may move on to another man shortly.

These are the things that really bring out the emotion of the scene; not the lyrics.  Most Readers will ignore the lyrics and skip over them entirely even if that means missing out on intimate glances or gleans into the characters’ minds.

*Gently steps off the soapbox.*

It’s been a while since I’ve had to pull that thing out and I hope I don’t have to again anytime soon.

Ultimately, is this a bad fan fic?  No.  There is a niche for these types of fan fics and there are Readers who would take great pleasure in reading this story.  To me, it just doesn’t live up to its potential.  The 2 best parts of this story are the beginning and the end.  The beginning does a nice job setting up the characters and the conflict, and the end is suitable given the lack of progression in the relationship.  If the ending had been the fairy tale type ending I would have thrown a table.

Would I recommend the story?  *Groans.*  If you just want the teenage romance-drama and do not need or expect a solid relationship, then go ahead and check out the story.  If your tastes require something with a bit more substance, then skip this story.

Tomorrow I shall be reviewing the sequel to this story, Back to December.  I just pray I don’t have to pull out my soapbox again.  Until then, I am Idunwanaprofile reviewing the good, the bad, and those that should never exist in fan fiction. Happy reading!

Stars: 4.5/10

I Think I’m Sorry Review

Title: I think I’m Sorry                                                                                        Author: Fang-delight

Original Source: Seven Brides for Seven Brothers                           Character(s): Pontipee Brothers & Girls

Rating:  K+                                                                                                                Genre(s): Romance / Family

Chapter(s): 1                                                                                                            Status: Complete

Author’s Synopsis: We all know each brother got their girls in the end.  But the story never tells how they finally solved they’re differences and decided to finally be together! (each pairing)

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/9060404/1/I-Think-I-m-Sorry

*Takes a breath.*

Hi Readers, I am your reviewing host, the Fan Fic Reviewer; reviewing the good, the bad, and those that should never exist in fan fiction.  *Sighes.* Maybe I should give up on trying to find good musical / play fan fics.  I just can’t seem to find much.  Well, admittedly this one was light years better than that POS I read for… *Thinks.* I forgot what I read!  *Refers to past blog posts.* Oh right, the Mary Poppins fan fic, The Chimney Sweep.  Yeah, this story is far better than that one, which I will once again erase from my mind.

So the story is ultimately how the brothers and their girls get together and it goes through 6 different stories of the girls apologizing to the boys and sharing a kiss with their boys.  *Pauses.* This is yet another story where I like the idea; the idea alone is interesting and captures my attention!  However, the execution is shaky at best.  There are points in the story where the story tries to keep within the time period, and other times throws the time period out the window.

I need to get a few grievances out of the way first.  These are nitpicking items but, man, I read them and it took me a bit to be able to move past them and make progress with the story.  Note!  All of these things are on the first 2 pages of the story.  *Sighes.* Here we go!

1. How did Ben buy Dorcas “the prettiest dress he could find” when they’re closed off?  That was part of the whole point, the family is closed off for the winter until the snow in the pass melts so the girls can’t escape or be rescued!  So where did Ben buy this dress?

Also, how would he know her measurements?  It’s not like department shopping.  He can’t walk into a Target and search the women’s department for a size Large dress.

2. “Dan sometimes won’t eat til he was sure Martha did.”  First off, grammatically incorrect.

Secondly, they ate separately!  Milly kept them separate that would include for meals.  There is no way that the kitchen would have fit everyone for meals!  So I’m certain that Milly and one (or two) of the girls would bring food to the barn for the boys.  I’m just saying, how can these boys know of things going on with the girls if they’re not there to witness these events?

3. “Ephraim would always walk at least by Liza whenever she went out for a walk.”  That doesn’t make sense!  Leave out the “at least” or say that he at least joined Liza on her walks and would sometimes walk at her side.  To say that he would “walk at least by Liza” means that there are better ways for him to walk with her.  Is in front of her better than by her side?  Or is behind her better?  I think walking beside her is the best option and certainly the options Ephraim would enjoy the most.

Could have included what Ephraim thinks would improve the walking arrangements if walking by Liza’s side is not enough.

*Takes a deep breath.*

Alright, I’m done.  These are just a few items from the first few pages of the story that I had to nitpick.  There were more items later in the story, but I just gave up because the number was getting too high.

I need to address the writing.  If I was doing the CinemaSins (search it on Youtube) of Fan fiction then there would a sin for every sentence due to the number of times that the wrong version of a word is used or there’s a word missing (particularly articles).  It’s so bad that some of the sentences do not make sense!  Remember, “Ephraim would always walk at least by Liza whenever she went out for a walk.”  That’s for the entire story!  After a while, my brain did the mental translations for me so I could figure out what the sentence is supposed to say rather than what it does say.

Then there’s the methods for these “apologies” and kiss scenes.  The methods are weak and typically the girls find their boys alone at some point—Frank actually sought his girl out—words are exchanged and there’s a kiss.  Although, hardly any of the girls actually apologize to their boys so the whole purpose of getting the boys alone is null and void.  Here’s an idea, use the scenes from the movie during the montage sequence when the winter thaws and the girls begin to interact with the boys.  *Sighes.* Whatever…

Alright, enough with the negative comments.  I need to give props to the story for trying to give the boys and girls individual personalities.  It’s the only redeemable quality of this story.  Well…that and there’s at least some thought put into making the exchanges more personalized but even so it kind of became cut and paste.

Moment of truth, would I recommend this story?  It’s not really something that has to be read and about the only people I can think who would enjoy this story are ubber fans and Readers who can ignore the fact that some of the sentences do not make sense.  Otherwise, I can’t say that I recommend this story.  It’s 15 pages of unnecessary.

Well, that’s it for now.  Man, I hope the next story I review is better than these last two stories.  This is Idunwanaprofile wishing all Readers happy reading.  Until next time.

Stars: 2/10