Portal: First Christmas Review

Title:  Portal: First Christmas                                                 Author: Indiana

Source: Portal & Portal 2                                                        Character(s): GLaDOS & Chell

Rating:  K                                                                             Genre(s):  Parody / Humor

Chapter(s):  4                                                                       Status:  Complete

Author’s Synopsis: Christmas is coming! Oh noes!

https://www.fanfiction.net/s/10858466/1/Portal-First-Christmas

 

Ladies and Gentleman – or in this case, test subjects – I am your reviewing host, the Fan Fic Reviewer; here to review the good, the bad, and those that should never exist in fan fiction.  It’s December!  That means there’s a lot of holiday (mostly Christmas) fan fiction out there for me to feast upon.  Not all of them will be good; some will be rotten but I’m sure to find a couple of delicacies this year.  I have several holiday fan fics lined up to review.  We’re starting with a bit of dark humor with a Portal fan fic.

The author’s synopsis does nothing to describe the story, so I’ll provide my own summary.  Christmas is approaching and Chell is having difficulties finding the perfect gift for GLaDOS.  What do you get a supercomputer?

Now that we’re all the same page, the story builds after the events of Portal 2 but instead of Chell leaving the lab for the great unknown, she camps outside the lab until GLaDOS offers her shelter.  GLaDOS becomes Chell’s companion, janitor, chef, and sex slave now that she has – I’m quoting the story here – “super realer-than-realistic hyper hyper realistic android” body.  Some of the elements of this post-Portal 2 world make sense – why wouldn’t GLaDOS have an android body that she could move herself into? – but there are other elements that make absolutely no sense.  For instance, why does GLaDOS know how to cook?  Where does that food come from?  Why is Chell okay with all of this?

The story brushes a lot of explanation aside with things of “plot convenience,” “science,” and how Chell has forgiven GLaDOS’ homicidal tendencies because GLaDOS saved her life and thus couldn’t be “bad.” On the one hand, those explanations are within the Portal humor but on the other hand it feels so out of place.  It’s been a while since I last played Portal but I remember GLaDOS rubbing things into Chell’s face and tossing insults – non-affectionate ones – at the test subject.  These “explanations” just feel a bit out of place and not nearly as funny as the game’s content.

The biggest grievance I have with the story is Chell’s characterization.  I have zero qualms about how much sex Chell and GLaDOS are implied to have, but I take issue with how dependent Chell is on GLaDOS.  GLaDOS does all the cleaning, cooking, and general providing while Chell gets to act like a petulant child.  There are instances in the story where Chell purposely throws a fit so that GLaDOS will comfort her.  Then there are the times where Chell purposely cries and withholds information – like her frustration in being unable to find a present for GLaDOS – just so GLaDOS will spend time with her and assure her that Chell is perfect as she and GLaDOS will always love her.  This clingy, overly dependent version of Chell is so unlike the character from the games and comics that it’s hard to reconcile the two.

Personally, I think the story could’ve still had Chell be dependent on GLaDOS for everything but instead of it being because Chell doesn’t want to be independent have it be that GLaDOS (subtly) refuses to let Chell become independent.  Having this forced dependency would make this already abusive relationship darker without totally demolishing Chell’s character.

Alright, so the shining light of this story is the end.  Thank God, the story played out as I hoped because if that twist never happened then I would write this story off as a complete waste of digital space.  However, the twist at the end kind of makes the crappy lead up worth it.  I won’t say what happens, but it is by far the most Portal-like thing to occur.

In the end, would I recommend the story?  Not really.  Not as a Portal fan fic or a Christmas story.  It doesn’t truly provide much story, depth, or new insight to the Portal world.  It is just an excuse to give GLaDOS a humanoid form and for Chell and GLaDOS to have sex.  *Shrug* Nothing much.  I’m sure there is a niche for this story but I’m definitely not in that group.

 

Stars: 3/10